Saturday, November 8, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
these scars I wear around my wrist are there to prove that I exist.
Every word she writes to her cuts me open. I've been burning and cutting for 3 days. I'm not sure if she didn't notice, even when I wouldn't take my shirt off. She needs this she says. It's just like "interactive porn" she says. Every time she smiles at her phone it makes me physically sick. It's going to be a problem. I'm trying not to make it one, but I can't help it. She can see what this is doing to me. Says she doesn't know what to tell me. Last time she went out she came back and said she was wrong, I was all she needed. Well what the fuck happened to that? She was in tears, told me she only wanted me. My giving her freedom to try was enough. And it came back up again just a few weeks later. Will this always happen? We've only been married for 7 fucking months. I didn't tell her not to fuck anyone before we met. I'm sick and I can't make it stop. I'm not enough. She says I am, but I'm not. If she still needs this, then I'm not. The way she is holding onto this makes me feel like it'll never be gone. Maybe it'll go away for a little while, but it'll come back. I can't live like that. I can't keep feeling this. I don't know what to do. Physical pain isn't masking the emotional pain, not even close. I don't want to sleep next to her tonight. She probably won't even be thinking about me. She can go dream about Heather and all the ways in which I don't fulfill her, all the things to say to her. I think she's more excited to talk to her than anything. She isn't paying attention to anything, She's in her own little world. Her mood seems elevated😴, like she's on a cloud when her fucking phone buzzes. I'm so much more angry than I realized. I need someone to talk to about this. Not just for 10 minutes on break. This is causing me physical pain, and if I ask her to stop, I'm a selfish bitch and she'll resent me. MAKE IT FUCKING STOP
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